You're Talking Too Much

Do you hear that? 

Shhhhh....

Listen. 

Don't you hear it?

Come on, surely you can....

You just really have to listen....

No, not just with your ears. But with your mind, your heart, and your soul. 

Feel it with each pull of oxygen. Release it with each exhale. 

There comes a time in life where everything becomes busy work, distracting you from within. We surround ourselves with tasks, noise, and over-analytical jibber jabber in our minds in order to keep us from facing our biggest fear: ourselves. 

We measure our achievements through promotions and credit cards, big houses and fast cars. What happens when that has been taken from us? What will you do when you're forced to face yourself once and for all?

The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Of Us. 

It's time to set up a meeting with each of them one-on-one.

In this silence, you can ask your demons why they pester you the way they do. What is their history, where are their roots? What fuels the perpetuating cycle of destruction? And what can you do to help put them at ease? Love your enemy. After all, without them you couldn't possibly learn the fulfillment stemming from the acceptance of genuine forgiveness and limitless peace. Forgive the enemy within yourself once and for all.

In this silence, you can ask your angels why they never gave up on you. How did they manage to maintain a healthy balance of love and patience? You can thank them for their empathy, their tirelessness and loyalty. Love your self. After all, without you we wouldn't be able to complete this billion-pieced puzzle, revealing the purpose of our creation. 

It's time to shake the hands of each fragment of you. Welcome them with open arms and discipline yourselves to grow. Dismantle each wall you hit, brick by brick, and rebuild them behind you with a better knowledge of yourself. 

Within the comfortability of self-acceptance we can learn to love. We can learn to empathize, to forgive, to apologize, to trust. 

But the first person you have to change is you. The best thing you can do for anyone around you is understand yourself. 

So, once again....

Shhhhh...

Do you hear it?

It's the sound of you. 

Beautiful, 

imperfect, 

elligent, 

clumsy, 

miraculous, 

and messy 

You. 

So, Here I Was....And Then All of a Sudden....And Now Here's Where I'm Going...

 

One day in January I'm living in a scorching hot village teaching English to African kids with the idea in mind that I have a slow year and a half left with them, and then all of a sudden the next week I'm on a plane rushing home to Nashville, TN, to snow, a scared mom and dad, and white people everywhere. 

Huh? What the....? 

45 days, 45 days, 45 daaaaays of medical leave. Okay, okay, I can do that, I told myself. Then I can get back to Namibia and back to my job and carry on because nobody can stop me, goddamnit.

5 months later I'm still here, writing this, laughing....because life has a funny way of putting you exactly where you need to be even when you think you need to be elsewhere. 

After 45 days of doctor appointments, one-time-uh-week therapy, and sleepless nights, I was medically cleared to go back to Namibia. But the safety and security team said I couldn't go back to my village. I had a choice I could make: Pick up where I left off with my service only in the complete opposite side of the country in a town at a hostel where I would have to keep my presence on the down low....or....start my service over in a new country where I would be gauranteed a rural setting (like the one I loved), and I could keep documenting my adventures via blog posts. 

It took a week and a lot of meditating for me to decide. I went with the latter, and with that decision that meant I would have to wait in the states longer so the Peace Corps could work out the transferring process. 

Months later I was finally told I would be transferred to Tanzania in the beginning of July. I was pumped to hear the news. 

But let me talk about the past unexpected five months...

I've never had to go through anything like what I did in January before. I instinctively knew how to handle myself, but I didn't know how to deal with all my devastingly angry and painfully hurt family and friends. And that's what I was going home to. A loooot of emotion. I was worried that it would bury me alive....but I knew I had to prove to those that love me that I really was okay. 

Aside from my yoga practice, I won't lie....I spent a lot of time stuck in my video games and Netflix. But come on, I'd been living in a hut for 6 months and had a near death experience....I think I'm entitled to lock myself in my room from time to time upon returning back to the states of convenience and technology! I loved every minute of my games and movies and documentaries. I also ate the shit out of some good pizza and Mexican food. 

Those simple things slowly acclimated me back into this culture...at least enough to just live here for a few months. But I needed people. I needed to get in my car and just drive until everything slowly disappeared from my rear view mirror. 

So throughout the course of five months I went to:

1) Asheville, North Carolina- where I spent much needed time with my mom, angelic grandmother, my two uncles, and spiritually healing family friends. I hiked up a mountain and took the breath of fresh air that told me everything is okay....that it was always okay...and it will continue to be okay. 

2) Jonesboro, Arkansas- where I spent a lot of time with best friend's arms around me and tears falling down our faces. We hiked through wilderness and wrecked four-wheelers (whoops....). We took shots of vodka and whiskey to life and love. We picked up exactly where we left off.

3) Little Rock, Arkansas- where I played guitar with a friend who is my sister at heart and spent even more time with a man who helped teach me to hold hands again. We walked through the trees and talked about animals. I partied with my brother and reminded myself how we laugh just the same.

4) Port Orange, Florida- where I witnessed an aunt of mine tying the knot with her soul mate. I drank beer on the beach with Dad and reconnected with family I haven't seen since I was a young teenager. I saw that cancer doesn't break your good attitude if you don't let it, and kids grow up really quickly. 

5) Fayetteville, Arkansas- where a friend and I survived off peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a week, watched our first blood moon eclipse, and jammed out with our hippie friends in a bar in Eureka Springs. I spent two nights with my lovely married-people friends, painting, laughing our asses off to Bob's Burgers and eating the best homemade tacos. 

6) Windhoek, and Katima, Namibia- I had to hop back on a plane and here is where I spoke with the investigators and prosecuting attorney. I window gazed with my victim's advocate and talked about the animals and how my heart belongs on the African continent for now. I spent time with my closest Namibian friends and reminded them that there is no such thing as goodbye. 

7) Chattanooga, Tennessee- where the guy mentioned above in #3 and I went to the aquarium and camped out at Fall Creek Falls, and I was quickly reminded that I'm severely allergic to the southern United States. 

8) Back to Asheville,  North Carolina- on a road trip with my cousin, where we spent beautiful quality time with Oma and enjoyed a relaxing day at Peaceful Quest Retreat. That included yoga on the dock and kayaking and many conversations that I'm pretty sure normal people don't engage in. 

9) Back to Jonesboro, Arkansas- where I partied with old friends one last time. At least one last time for a while...

After those travels, I went to Wakarusa music festival in the ozarks of Arkansas. We camped out for 4 days among 10,000 other dirty hippies. We found love all over again in the music and atmosphere. It was so good for me that I needed more. Sooooo...as soon as I got home to Murfreesboro, TN, I bought my ticket to another music festival called Bonnaroo. Flew solo in a crowd of 90,000 and spent 5 nights in a tent. My neighbors were incredible people. I went to the cosmos and back with three beautiful girls and my teddy bear, Applesauce. I kicked it with a group of Jewish guys that never failed to keep a smile on my face, fell in love with a polyamorous couple, and connected with two souls in particular (Yes, Asher and Bailey, I'm referring to you guys) that I know this lifetime isn't the first time we've met. I will keep ALL of them in my heart for the rest of my days. 

Throughout the course of 5 months....I learned:

1) I never lost sight of Love. It never abandoned me. 

2) Forgiveness ultimately is the biggest release.

3) Africans that don't travel will NEVER know what amazing food we have here.

4) Americans that don't travel will NEVER truly understand and relate to the "simple life". 

5) Everything works out the way it needs to even when we can't see it in the beginning.

Now that all of you know what I've been up to....it's time to know where I'm going. July 7 is when I head out of the United States and cross the Atlantic all over again. If everything goes accordingly, and nobody tries to kill me this time, then I will be gone for 27 months. Back to teaching and the daily grind. 

But before I go. I need all of you to know something.

I could not have done this without any of you. The amount of support I received through this (even from complete strangers) has inspired me to keep following my dreams. My parents have opened their hearts and home and never gave me slack for a single thing. My closest friends helped me deal with minor PTSD symptoms as they came and went (thank god none if it lingered). I can't begin to explain how healthy this unexpected return home was for me. It has restored my faith in humanity because I know that when crisis comes, we band together, and in numbers there is power, and with power we can override evil with pure Love. 

So basically I just want to say thank you. Thank you for letting me randomly cry for no reason at all and being there just to hold me. Thank you for letting me tirelessly talk about my adventures in Namibia, the good and the bad. Thank you for your patience. But mostly, thank you for helping me adjust back to my normal self only now even stronger than before. Not every day is going to be easy, but with the support system that I have, how could I ever be alone?

See you on the flip side! Wherever and whenever that may be ;) and if there's one thing I ask of you, it's to please please please live each moment as if it were your last. You never know when your last will be.

 

"When love beckons to you, follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his opinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.

Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant; 

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of Love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise on your lips."

--Kahlil Gibran

Take A Number, Please.

I don't believe you when you say anything at all.

But go ahead.

Tell me all about it.

How you want to be a doctor with a giant house.

And how you'd help the poor if only you could (all the while smoking your two packs a day and dining out every lunch break from your job in the mall but it's okay because it's just temporary).

I don't believe you when you talk about your volunteer experience at the nursing home (because really it was community service to write off a ticket you got in high school when you were caught drunk past your curfew).

I don't believe you when you say anything at all.

But go ahead.

Tell me all about it.

How your daddy was a terrible man (so that's why you sleep with every guy who gives you attention).

You must feel so alone running up against 7 billion people (because if there is a God he clearly chose you to bear the world's worst trials and tribulations).

Speaking of God...

Oh, you went to Africa to build a church? 

Those poor, helpless, sinful, tribal folk would have been damned to Hell without you (so go ahead and check off your good missionary deed of the year so you can make a payment toward your ticket into the pearly gates).

I don't believe a damned word that comes out of your mouth.

But go ahead.

Tell me all about it.

How you bought that one homeless man lunch (but only because you were with someone who could tag you in their Facebook status).

Your heart must be overflowing with love. 

I don't believe a fucking word that moves past your lips. 

Because each letter tumbling around in your throat is stained with societal standards and toxic judgement. 

I see your lips moving, but I just can't trust a single idea as your own.

Because when it comes down to it even you know your ideas never belonged to you. 

Are you tired yet? 

If you are, then I'm ready to listen.

Hey, you. Yes, you. No, not that guy. You!

I have something to say. Are you ready to hear it? 

I don't mean mindlessly skim through these words on your phone while you're half-assed paying attention to your friend in the same room talking to you all about their ideas for the day. (If that's the case, put your damn phone down and be a better friend).

Oh...okay....you're ready? Cool.

Life has a funny way of turning itself inside out at the worst possible timing, doesn't it? Just when you think you've finally got everything under control, it says "hey! You're too comfortable!" and yanks the rug right under your feet so hard that you'll probably have that bruise on your ass for weeks, and then it slowly backs away with its hands up as if it doesn't know what just happened, leaving you there alone and broken.

The fact is, Life can be really hard. We all know that. There isn't a single person I know that hasn't experienced pain at some point in their timeline. Whether it be heart break from a loved one, physical abuse, or an emotionally traumatic experience, we have all been broken. (Stop isolating yourself).

It doesn't matter how you've been broken. What matters is how you put yourself back together. 

You know....if it weren't for the moon, you wouldn't be here today. Obviously, if it weren't for a lot of things, you wouldn't be breathing today, but there's a point to this...

Millions of years ago, before the moon was formed, Earth was a terrible place to imagine sustaining any kind of life. And then bam! A gigantic collision between the Earth and some other body at least the size of Mars happened out of nowhere, knocking Earth onto it's perfect tilt, and forming our little friend in the sky from the debris: the moon :) 

I don't want to make this a science lesson because I'm not credible enough, so I'll get to the point. The relationship between the moon and the Earth (along with maaaaany other things) has made it possible for life to have evolved on this planet. And look how beautiful it is: The lush green trees and majestic wildlife....the seemingly endless seas we have yet to fully discover....the flowing rivers and cascading waterfalls.....You. Me. Your morning tea and the sunbeams that gently kiss your cheeks. Your boyfriend or girlfriend sleeping next to you, drooling on the pillow. Your purring cat and playful dog. Your ability to wonder about the stars and ponder about who is looking at them at them simultaneously. 

It's all so breathtaking that words alone cheapen the actual experience. 

But my point is that something that seems so negative and horrible like that collision ended up creating the opportunity for life to flourish. Sometimes it's hard to see the evolution of something positive directly after tragedy, but it's necessary to hurt in order to understand true happiness. Stop blaming yourself and the rest of the world and start embracing that which is and needs to be.

When you find yourself on the ground in pieces, crying and hurt, muster up the strength to pull yourself to the window. Gaze up at the sky, take a nice long look at the moon and smile because you're special enough to be here. Look forward to the life that is soon to follow your collision. 

 

Girls....

Dear Girls,

We've all noticed how competitive the dating scene can be. It can be a cut throat game where we fight to be the last woman standing in a room full of suitors. Some women are quick to damage a fellow mate's reputation if they know they can win the bangers, beans, and mash in the end. 

But when have we stopped to take enough time and check exactly who and what we're fighting for? Have we gotten lost in the fight just for the simple fact of winning and lost sight of what we should actually be striving for in a man?

Ladies, here are my top ten personal characteristics that make up the kind of men we should be looking for....and number ten is the best:

1. He's most attracted to you when you don't wear makeup. In fact, when he met you, and you were dressed to impress, he was probably wondering what the clown face was for....and probably worried you may be a little more high maintenance than he usually prefers. So, the day he caught you off guard, and you had no time to spend in front of the mirror, was when he saw your natural beauty and can't get enough since then. Of course this comes in handy for you....you begin to feel better about yourself and realize you don't need help being beautiful. You have more time in your day to spend with your man outdoors (because that's what these type of men like to do) without worrying about your face sliding off, and hey, less zits and more money! 

2. Even after loving you most without makeup, this type of man still knows when to appreciate a beauty queen moment. Let's be honest here; even those of us that don't usually wear makeup like to choose a special night every once and a while to get dressed up and go out. Our make-up free man is still going to think you're drop dead gorgeous because he knows how much time you spent to make him look good with you hanging on his arm. 

3. He likes to spend time with you hanging around in your underwear, eating delivery, and playing video games. What?....oh.....you don't like playing video games? Okay, well then if you're that type, he likes to spend time with you hanging around in your underwear, eating delivery, and watching movies (hopefully good ones). My point is, he enjoys that quality, low-maintenance, one-on-one time....no matter what you guys decide to do. Chances are, if your man only wants to spend time with you in public and never alone, then he's got you as a trophy or he's just plain bored. 

4. When he does like to go out.....his idea of a good time is spent in the mountains, camping by a river, hiking through waterfalls. Or he wants to show you his favorite hiding places in the woods. He will teach you how to backpack, and after dating him you'll know how to start a proper fire. He's okay with sleeping on the floor in strange random places, and you'll never get bored because a new adventure is waiting around the corner.

5. He's a sponge. He's ready to learn anything he doesn't already know. He's open to learning your favorite passions....maybe yoga or how to paint. He wants to learn which books are your favorites and why because it opens a whole new world of discovery. Found a new band? He wants to hear it. 

6. He is open to new things, but he's not your puppet. Just because you like something, that doesn't mean he has to love it. The right kind of man will give your interests a chance, and he will be honest when it doesn't suit him, but he will allow you the space to continue your love for it on your own. And this should be expected of you in return as well. 

7. There is a lot of pressure on men to hold down the fort and take charge of everything, but that can be destructive behavior when it gets to the point that they can no longer do it alone, yet they're too scared to ask for help. The right kind of man can hold his own but he's not too prideful to ask for help from you or anyone else when necessary.

8. Going along with #7, the right kind of man isn't afraid to admit when he's wrong, and he will never hesitate to apologize when it's his fault...but he will stand his ground when he IS right and faultless. Ladies, this should also apply to you....

9. The right kind of man will respect you as an individual. He knows that you do not belong to him. He believes he is there to help you grow to be the best woman you can possibly be, and he can do that by allowing you space and freedom. He respects your friends when they are there to also help you grow, no matter the gender. He feels comfortable giving this space to you because he trusts you, and you deserve it. When there's an issue, he knows how to communicate like an adult and work things out because, like I said before, he has respect for you as an individual. 

10. The best kind of man doesn't require you to fight for him because he isn't interested in petty girl talk and competition. He noticed you in the crowded room because he saw that flicker of appreciation of feminine beauty in your eye. You didn't cut down your fellow women in sight but rather acknowledged them for their individual beauty and admired it. That alone removed you from the "fight". You refused to compete in a losing battle because you love yourself no matter what, and the right kind of man saw that, and he chose you. 

Now, ladies, I understand we all have different tastes in men. And maybe this post was geared more toward my type of guy. But what it boils down to is respect, freedom, and compassion. If he doesn't have that, he has nothing, and he can offer you nothing but a good time for an incredibly short while. 

Stop fighting each other just to settle for someone you won't actually love to begin with. Stop fighting and the right man will find you.  

Thousands of miles upward

There's something intimate about taking a long plane ride and falling asleep with a bunch of strangers. Seeing all the intertwined couples using each other as pillows....the lone travelers sprawled out horizontally on their island of vacant seats....nobody is too shy to snore, to drool, or dream loudly. 

We're all just a group of nomads that call our own hearts home. Connected for at least 15 hours over the ocean.

When the best move is to make no move at all...

Let's make compassionate decisions,     

powered by the vision

of thousands of clasped hands,          

fingers laced, 

chests open with hearts exposed,

fighting through the bullets

of putrid hate 

shot by the faithless, 

the hopeless, 

and the world's most feared.

Create a frontline of 

those willing to die.

Not for their country

bound by invisible lines,

nor friends and family

but rather for the 

Purpose of Peace.

"Turn the other cheek."

It's what we try to preach.

But who actually listens

to their own swallowed words

that settle better in their bellies

than they do on their sleeves.

Cut us open.

Spill our guts

of the stifling pain 

and festering anguish 

that has suffocated the rest

unwilling to face their own fears.

Let us hold it;

Dark, dripping 

mud slipping fast

between our finger tips.

Let us mold it into clay of

deep red, and 

once solid again,

form flowers and freed birds,

honey suckle and new words

of inspiration and motivation

to forgive those that didn't know

the power of their own choices.

A mind in control is a dictator.

But a mind controlled is a freedom fighter.

Be the boss of your tomorrow...

the brightest light in the darkest of sorrows.

Get rid of "I told you so"s 

and "Yea, I already know"s.

Listen to the teacher

waiting around every corner,

behind every door unopened,

that holds the key 

to the stillness inside.

The quiet of your mind.

A calmness so strong

it affects those around you

with those restless legs

and paranoid glances

over shoulders hunched 

as if it could save them.

Take their hand in yours 

and smile from your eyes.

Let them know 

                         It

                            Does

                               Not

                                  Have

                                     To

                                         Be

                                           This

                                              Way.

So follow us 

when you feel brave enough. 

The world ain't goin' nowhere, kid.

So either be a slave to your pain

Or evolve and toughen up.

Give in to the power of love.

After all, It never gave up 

on you in the first place.

Elephant Dream

25 January, 2014

Yesterday, I took a nap and had one of the most profound dreams I could possibly have at this time in my life. 

In my dream, I was by myself inside a mud hut in a remote village in Africa (makes sense, right?), and all of a sudden I heard this thundering deep "scream". I looked outside and behind my hut there was a giant elephant (larger than in real life) making horrible sounds. He was angry and crushing into peoples' huts, most likely killing them or at least rendering them severely injured. 

I knew that the cause of his immense pain was humanity. Something in my heart understood that people did something to him to cause his anguish. I felt so sorry for him that I was torn between running or trying to help him. I glanced to my right and saw a ladder built into a really tall tree. I knew that if I wanted to, I could climb the tree and be free of harm's way. But instead I chose to stay and try to help this magnificent animal. 

Immediately I ran inside my hut, closed the door, and went into child's pose (for those of you who are unfamiliar with yoga, it's a relaxing position of innocence and surrender. So in this pose I'm sitting on my knees with my butt resting on my feet. I'm bent forward with my forehead resting on the floor and my arms stretched out in front of me, palms also resting on the ground). I began to meditate on giving love and peace to the distraught elephant. I could hear him screaming and crushing more huts, getting closer to my own. The closer he got the harder I focused on enveloping him in as much love I could possibly channel from the universe. 

I could hear him outside my hut. I could feel the ground trembling with each footstep, but he was no longer making such a horrible cry. He was breathing heavily, and I was shaking. His power over me was incredible. I knew that at any moment he could crush me if he wanted to. But I continued to focus on tranquility. Still in child's pose, I heard the air escaping from his trunk near my ear, and I noticed that he had stuck his trunk through my window. Since the moment he arrived to my home I had felt a gradual shift in his energy. He wasn't as angry....as hurt.... He then lightly touched me with his trunk and began to walk away. 

I slowly rose out of my meditation pose and peeked out of the door. I watched him as he wandered further through the trees away from the village. I was still shaking, but I smiled. Then I noticed a man came out of nowhere with this giant animal I've never seen before. He was using it to try and scare away the elephant. The elephant started to panic again, and I was so angry at the man. I just wanted him to leave the elephant alone....just let him be...he made a mistake, but he was leaving...

And then I woke up. 

This dream is jam packed with symbolism. And it's a representation of my passion and the direction I want to go with it in life. The elephant is a very social creature. It enjoys traveling in packs and has a wide array of emotion and an incredible memory (sounds familiar, huh). But this elephant was alone. And I don't know what humanity did to him, but I felt as if people ignored him. They made him feel as if he wasn't wanted in this village. He was hated out of fear, and this hatred caused his anger. It doesn't make it right for him to kill. It doesn't justify his evil behavior, but how can we blame him when it was society in itself that let him down? And it was society that chose to ignore him instead of give him the love that every living creature deserves. 

It took one girl, a split hair of the size of this elephant, to impact him. It took one person with patience that made the choice to love instead of hate, who chose to forgive instead of blame, to change this elephant. 

I'm not saying I can change dysfunctional people. What I'm saying is that society as a whole has to stop treating the "problem" as a filthy disease that should be swept under the rug. The problem needs attention at the very root. The problem needs a chance for reformation, not just mindless punishment. 

Every human being on this planet deserves to be loved and respected. When people are denied this in their lives they sometimes commit horrible crimes. They misbehave because nobody showed them otherwise. And out of ego, society is the first to judge and point fingers. They cast stones and sentence the evil-doer to the fiery pits of hell. Nobody wants to recognize that this person has a reason for their behavior most likely stemming from childhood. In no way am I justifying a criminal's choice to hurt....but I am trying to point out that there's always something much deeper than what's on the surface. The law can take care of the consequence of the criminal's action...but as brothers and sisters we have to figure out a way to take care of their hearts.  

There's a prison in Alabama that experimented with the Buddhist vipassana meditation practice and criminals. Prisoners were allowed to choose to embark on this 9 day spiritual journey towards self awareness and forgiveness. The results were unbelievable. It took a couple patient, forgiving, and nonjudgmental Buddhist practicers to give their time to these prisoners. They offered reformation and it changed every single one of their lives. Not only did it immediately have an impact, but it stuck with them in the long term. Unfortunately, this bothered a lot of people because it's a predominantly Christian area (sad) and they removed the program. I'm not sure if they ever got it back....but I found that documentary very inspirational (I think it's called the Dharma Brothers...it's on netflix). 

There is hope for change. People just have to harness that hope and diligently "fight" for it. I know there are people reading this right now saying murderers and rapists aren't worth our time, but you're the reason nobody finds the strength to forgive. You're perpetuating this horrific cycle of hate. 

Call me an idealist. Call me an optimist with a tone if disdain in your voice. I don't care. Because it's people like me that give this world a chance of unity, and people like me will stick together and do everything we can to spread tolerance and peace. One day you might want to jump on board, and instead of saying "I told you so" we will gladly take your hand and continue on this journey together. 

Forgive someone today because ultimately you are forgiving yourself. 

We can't do this alone..

You've been deprived,

Denied,

Ostracized from a society of brothers and sisters

And I'm sorry. 

If only you'd have met me sooner...

Then maybe it'd be a different story.

With your hands around my throat

Through fear I felt sympathy

Knowing that at one point you were just a boy

A boy with a history... 

Of maybe an alcoholic father

Or love for a dying mother. 

But now you find your power

In domination and sorrow.

But you didn't win against me.

You chose a girl who's been set free

By the grip of hatred long ago.

I couldn't hate you if it paid.

I couldn't hurt you if they begged.

But I can tell you how I wish you'd have given more attention

to each sun-baked crystal of sand underneath your feet. 

Or to the relief given by the wind from the hot African heat...

Just a little more attention to the comfort of an embrace.

To the sweet innocence of your very first kiss.

Maybe that awareness would have changed you a bit...

The truth is we're really no different.

Made of the same magic that holds the stars together.

You're lost.

But you're my brother.

You're scared.

But you're my sister.

My father. My mother. 

My friend. My lover.

You are me.

And through each fragment of the conscious whole

We will learn, teach, and one day grow

Back into the impenetrable unity we once knew as home. 

Yes, I Know There's Something On My Face...

If you ever want to know the truth about something....just ask a Namibian.

They'll be the first to let you know when something is wrong. And if you're a naturally self-conscious person....take a few lessons on confidence before coming to this country. I, personally, am comfortable in my own skin, so when a Namibian points out a "flaw" of mine, I don't get all butt hurt about it (they always balance it out anyway with compliments on my nose, my eyes, or my ass). But I do, however, find it funny the things that they make sure to ask me about:

1. "Sara, you're sweating *wipes sweat off my cheek with their thumb*....why are you sweating?"

     Um....why am I sweating....? Hmmmm....maybe because we live in a place hotter than hell itself, and we just walked all the way across town in the scorching hot sun. Of course I'm f****** sweating! The real question is, why aren't YOU sweating? 

2. The above issue results in a lot of us Americans breaking out frequently. Our skin just isnt used to going through the whole day with constant heat and no relief with air conditioning....not to mention the ginormous clouds of dirt and sand swirling around us every where we go. So we get a few pimples here and there. You'd think a Namibian has never seen a zit before in their entire life, and they're here to express their deep concern about it every time they see you.....and if you forget it's there in an hour or so, don't worry, they'll remind you. 

3. People here go to the doctor for eeeeeveryyyyythiiiiiiiing...(I'm always advised to pay a visit even when just a pimple decides to pop up)....I've taken for granted what I thought was common knowledge of self-medication. In the states, everyone knows what ibuprofen is for and when to take it and how much....or NyQuil...or Advil....or midol....etc. And namibians do have over the counter medication. But they never use it. When a friend sees my Peace Corps medical kit, their minds are always blown, and then I better be ready to answer a million questions of what's-this-for and that. 

4. Namibians, especially your friends, will be the first to tell you when you've gained or lost weight. Remember that phrase from Bambi, "if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all"? Well, I don't think they've seen Bambi.....

I'll tell you what though. Namibians may not have a filter, but that can also be a good thing, too. Nobody in the street is too shy to tell you that your hair is beautiful...or your tattoos. In fact, they love em so much they want the same exact thing on their arm for the rest of their life. Women are quick to compliment the boobs-hips-booty ratio (if you have that hourglass figure) and men will let you know in five minutes that they're in love....sweaty pimply face or not. I also have more confidence playing my music here in front of people because they all tell me I need to try to make a living with my guitar. I think that's just because it's something different, and there isn't much competition here in that field. 

The ups and downs of daily conversation represent the ups and downs of every day life as a Peace Corps volunteer in Namibia. Every day is full of dynamism. The highest of highs and lowest of lows. It's a constant roller coaster ride that I'm glad I passed the height requirement bar for. Each day is an adventure, and I never know what's in store. Maybe I'll hike to Windhoek with a stranger, break down in the middle of nowhere, kick it with some villagers while waiting for a tow truck for 6 hours because it got lost, fix everything in Rundu and then hop back on track with the arrival destination being waaaaaay past the travel rules for PCVs (shhhhh, don't say anything). Or maybe I'll just hang out in Katima with some local friends, drink some whiskey, and kick all their asses at Call of Duty (the guys were upset about it at first, but now they're getting used to it). Or maybe I'll go to the village and figure out the perfect method to cook this frozen pizza without an oven and wash my clothes outside just to get monsoon-rained on in the middle of it. Or maybe I'll enjoy quiet time in my hut with candles lit and a book in my hands. The simplest things are so nice because they balance out the crazy days, but the crazy days are entertaining because it's always an adventure.

Speaking of village....I should update you on my old roommate situation. Before I left the village for holiday, I had to resort to sadistic measures....

I laid down rat poison.

I know, I know, there may have been an alternative resolution. But he really pissed me off. As I locked up my hut and walked away, I felt a pang of guilt in my chest. But it was his decision to cross enemy lines in the first place. 

I came home nearly a month later. All of the poison pellets had been eaten. I imagine after Protex ate the pellets he realized something was wrong and that the end was near. He accepted his inevitable death but made the decision to get back at the bitch who poisoned him. So, in a frenzy, he chewed a hole through the mosquito net that the little princess had tucked ever so nicely around the mattress, and chose to take his last gasping breath underneath her only pillow.  

That was a week ago, and I'm still upset about it. But I guess I deserved it.

Oh! It had been over a month since I'd seen Kamama since I'd been traveling. She found us today (the first day of school for teachers...now it's the 13 of January while I'm typing this) and I noticed she's had puppies. I don't know where they are, but she's definitely a real Kamama (little mama) now. I'll post pictures as soon as they start wondering my way :) 

It's rainy season! This is overlooking a main street in Katima.

A precious pic of a friend's dog and her puppies.

The village kids I would have hung out with for 6 hours if my hypothetical story of getting stranded on the side of the road on my way to Windhoek was true....

I was taking a piss in my fancy pit latrine, and I noticed this cool little wire house halfway buried in the sand by my feet. I never noticed it before, so I think someone made it and left it as a strange surprise. I'm all right with it, so I hung it up...I'll probably attach some of my pictures from home to it somehow. I love how Africa teaches one to be effectively resourceful....

Rise and shine bright and early in the village! Goodbye, all.

Jigsaw Game

Wrote a new song. Here are the lyrics.... Video will be up soon...

Oceans between and still I see the same thing:

People yearn for money, power, and fame.

Your own blood turns their back on shame

For fear that it just might change their ways.

I'll tell you, we could all use a little bit.

Something to show us when we're full of shit.

Humble this world or we'll keep trashing it

With household chemicals and paper trails.

Chorus:

When will we see our own faces mirrored in our enemies?

When will we reach out to those who can't see their own worth underneath

all the years of dirt from greed?

When will we shut up and listen to our own voices within

Crying out for a little more love and a little less sin?

Well, who knows?

I don't. 

But I hope it's soon.

Don't you?

I love ya, babe, but we'll just have to wait.

See, you gotta find your place in this jigsaw game

Of right and wrong, of weak and strong

But I promise I've been here all along.

We can't change it over night,

This world of fight or flight.

But it's sure as hell worth a try

And it's sure as heaven worth our time.

When will we see our own faces mirrored in our enemies?

When will we reach out to those who can't see their own worth underneath all the years of dirt from greed?

When will we shut up and listen to our own voices within

crying out for a little more love and a little less sin?

Well, who knows?

I don't.

But I hope it's soon.

Don't you?