Oh, the places we go...

I've decided to collaborate with my fiancé on a website. Www.soulinwonder.com is where you can find my latest blog entries, along with posts written by Christopher as well. Soooo, I will no longer be using this blog site, however I will continue to share our new posts on Google+ ....thanks for following and keeping up! For my latest entry, click here http://soulinwonder.com/has-the-world-gone-mad-or-is-it-me-part-2-enlightenment/

We Rise To Fall Just To Rise Again

Do not forget that without light there is no shadow,

But only darkness. 

Light and Dark dance like timid lovers;

Shadow fearful of being captured,

Yet aware of its dependence

On the rise and fall of the sun.

Shadow lengthens, shrinks, shifts, and stretches 

 to a faint, yet large shade in the darkest parts of night,

Resisting the gaping mouth of Nothingness.

Here it lingers, holding on by a thread,

Granted a fragile life by the grace of pale moon light.

Coming with the break of Dawn is a new beginning.

The silhouette of Life gains power,

But only for a short while,

For High Noon, in all its glory, challenges Shadow,

Teasing it, daring it to come out and play.

But as everything is ephemeral

And as everything has happened before,

The Sun, too, must fall once again.

But do not forget that without light there is no shadow,

But only darkness.

So do not forget that when Shadow overwhelms,

There must be Light.

They Tell Me I Have Good Coping Mechanisms. I Just Call It Living.

     With one light tap from my right big toe my yoga mat rolls out in front of me. The sound of the rubber becoming slowly unstuck from itself lifts the corners of my mouth into a crooked smile. I haven't heard that sound in at least 7 days, which is unusual for me to say. For almost a year at this point I'd fallen in and out of yoga practice, but within the last four months I had rarely seen 24 hours pass untouched by deep breaths, limber stretches, and stable balance postures. I knew this particular session would be challenging. 

     My fingers on my right hand softly find the stitches still fresh above my hairline and my face contorts in pain. I glance at the mirror next to me. That obnoxious black eye is a reminder of why those 7 days had passed in a blur. The blood bursts in my eyes make me look like I haven't slept in God knows how long. Well, if it weren't for the sleeping pills, I don't think I would have slept at all. Anyway, forget about it. This is my time. 

     An album I randomly stumbled across in Asheville, NC, a year and a half ago, Putumayo Presents Yoga, quietly plays through the speaker. Devaki by Karnamrita Dasi has a way of opening up my heart when it's closed. In sequence with her A Cappella introduction, my bare feet slowly step to the front of the mat. I close my eyes, pull a deep breath into my lungs and reach my arms outward from my sides and above my head until my palms meet, melting into one another. I exhale, bringing my hands down to the center of my chest in namaste. This is where I give thanks for giving me life. This is where I disappear into a world only allowed to be entered by myself and love.

     With each interrupting flash of imagery of their hands pinning my arms and legs to the ground, I stretch my limbs further apart in liberation. With each remembrance of his fingers tightly squeezing around my throat, I breathe even deeper, expanding my chest as far as it can go. With every wave of exhaustion from the fact that I was not strong enough to break free of their malicious intentions, I exert more energy through my fingers, palms, feet and toes, pushing with every bit of strength into the ground, igniting every fiber in my muscles with a burning fire. Each filthy bead of sweat that drips down my nose and splashes onto the mat rids me of their toxic waste they left inside me. I reach my limitation in each pose and pass it. I flow in between with grace and balance. 

     An hour later I'm laying on my back. Corpse pose. Palms up in surrender, breathing heavily yet steadily. I feel nauseated from the medication but I am free. I have taken back this body as my own and reunited it with mind and soul. This is where I give thanks for keeping me alive. This is where I re-enter back into the world of reality where there are negatives to every positive and where there is pain and suffering. But I enter it with a stronger skeleton and a more empathetic heart. I awaken fully with forgiveness and expand my being with more love.  

                                           

                                              -------------------------------------------

     One year has passed. Tears are streaming down my cheeks. I didn't want to have to go through this alone. My friends and family are across the Atlantic and my other half is a two-day Tanzanian bus ride away. The anniversary of such a traumatic event haunts me in ways that I thought I could control with awareness of its coming, but it's as if my body is made of memory foam, and the imprint of their existence has lingered. Stuck in a culture that represses emotion I'm forced to get through this without companionship. 

     I unroll my yoga mat out in front of me. This time it is flimsy and stained with one year of consistent hard work. The rubber retains the memory of failed attempts, clumsy stumbles, successful breakthroughs and fearless experimentation. Each tear that drips from my chin and splashes onto the mat creates a moment of déjà vu. I remember how I have gotten through this many times before. I reach upwards as high as I can possibly go, stretching onto my tippy toes, and then emptying my belly of every bit of air, I bend down to my legs, placing my hands firmly on the floor next to my feet. I jump back with deliberate force and hold myself in a plank position until my arms begin to shake. I regulate my breath, keeping the calm within the storm and begin my vinyasa flow.

     Presence. Ultimate presence. Without having to think I can feel which parts of my body need attention. I stretch, push, bend, and balance without hesitation. My determination reminds me of the year that has passed. I am where I am today because I refused to give up when the world insisted on continuously challenging me. I move with fluidity because I have learned to be flexible with life's transitions. I am able to get back up, brush off, and try again when I fall because I have found truth in forgiveness. Visions of that one night are not able to penetrate my focused mind because I have reclaimed my body as my own. A year ago today I made a promise to myself to not let this destroy me, and I've succeeded so far. Now is no different.

     An hour has passed, and I'm laying on my back. Corpse pose. Palms up in surrender. The tears from before have evaporated into the past, and I feel the calmness in my chest that I was looking for. After relaxing every part of my body, I slowly melt into the ground while watching my breath. I have survived. I am strong. I am beautiful. 

                                          -----------------------------------------------

   

    For most people the year ends on December 31st and the new year begins the following day. The holiday is symbolic for the breaking of past habits to give way to resolutions and self-growth. The new year brings hope for change and a chance for redemption. It provides us with fresh opportunities for individual improvement and success.

    But for me, in 2014 my New Year's Eve changed to January 18th because that was the day that Love saved my life, allowing the following day to bring in a new beginning; a new year full of faith, hope, forgiveness, strength, and perseverance. This year of 2015 and every year yet to come will be that and so much more. 

    Happy New Year, folks. It's going to be a great one. 

The Tao of the Zambezi River

I can't breathe. 

The sun rays beam through the water above me, and I reach towards the light, but I can't seem to break the surface. A strong current pushes me upward but a large wave crashes on top of me violently pulling me down again. Involuntarily I suck water into my lungs and panic, fighting for the surface. I'm so weak. I'm no match for this liquid tug of war even with a life jacket strapped tightly around my torso. Spinning around and around, being pushed up and down and thrown from side to side, I realize the only thing I can do is stop trying to control the river. My only choice is to stay calm and ride out the rest of the rapid. Go with the flow.

Finally, I'm able to catch a break. I breach the surface and gasp for air. The choppy waves still knock me around but at least now my head is above the water. I see the kayaker battling the current with his oar to get closer to me. Frantically reaching towards him I grab a hold of his kayak. He asks me repeatedly if I'm okay and tells me not to panic. Before I know it my friends are pulling me back into the raft, and my respiratory system is working overtime to raise the levels of oxygen in my bloodstream. We grab our oars and dig forcefully into the water when the rafting guide yells, "Forward!" and continue with our adventure. 

Why do we adventurers love testing our mortality? So many brushes with death yet we continuously engage in more adrenaline pumped activities that seem to raise a middle finger up to God. For those who are more comfortable avoiding any sort of risky behavior they may think we don't respect the fragile nature of life, but I believe it's quite the opposite. 

Adventurers of all types constantly remind themselves of the sweetness of being alive. They respect the trials and tribulations that make them stronger because there is not a single challenge they can't face head on. When we push our limitations we are forced to face the reality that we are small and out of control compared to the grand scheme of things. Sure, we can make our own choices, but it's up to the elements around us to decide the results. When we look death in the eye we can really appreciate the miracle of life, the ephemeral nature of existence. 

There is symbolism all around us and in everything we do. The Zambezi River teaches a great message. Stop fighting the flow. What's the point in making everything so much harder on yourself when you're going to end up in the same place anyway? Take a deep breath when you can, calm down, and everything will work out. 

I'm not saying you can't appreciate life to it's fullest unless you're an adventurer. You don't have to jump off a bridge or out of an airplane, swing through a gorge, or raft down one of the world's most intense rivers to understand what it means to be alive. Beauty is to be found even in the simplest of things. But when life becomes stagnant, I think it's important to light a spark with a bit of fear. 

Allow yourself the opportunity to grow outside of your comfort zone and life will reward you in an endless amount of ways. You are the only one stopping yourself from reaching your full potential. How long will you stand in your own way?

I'll Tell You What Love Is

The bar was crowded with teenage angst and cups and bottles and shots filled with liquid to chase unknown pills down rebellious throats. The loud and steady bump from the bass strained normal conversation so words were useless. I sat on the floor near the entrance in the corner with the shivering Great Dane, the only spot in that place where I felt I belonged. She was anxious from the crack of fireworks ending the year below the equator. The sticky Zimbabwean humidity formed beads of sweat on my face, or maybe I was just picking up her anxiety. The beast went unnoticed by the crowd despite her enormous size. A creature so large, yet so scared, and nobody else seemed to care. I slowly rubbed my thumbs up and down her snout and told her without words that it will be over soon. People will slowly begin to pair off to fill their beds with strangers, and others will carry their disoriented friends away. It will be over soon. In my best attempts to soothe her with my company, I ran my hand down her spine, and then my hand ran into his. He touched her with the same purpose, to calm her mind and to ease her loneliness. In silence we breathed in unison as we gently pulled our fingers through her fur. Her consistent shakes slowly began to fade to only waves with a tranquil stillness in between. Her breathing slowed, and she let us love her. I looked up at him with tears in my eyes. Our eyes locked, and I knew at that moment that part of our purpose is to guide those that are scared, confused, and those that need to be loved.

He is my best friend because he knows that innocence should be protected. He knows that love knows no boundary. He's my best friend because I no longer have to sit alone in a crowded room. He's my best friend because my actions need no explanation. He understands my concern for a more compassionate world, and doesn't tell me I'm naive when I choose a path of forgiveness and patience. 

A few days earlier he asked me why I love him but so many words flooded the opened gate that I nearly drowned. That single moment with the dog slowed the wild river of reasons why I love him into a stream that I could easily keep up with. 

I love him because he counts the stars with me at night and never underestimates the miraculous nature of the sky. I love him because he appreciates stillness and silence. I love him because he doesn't just hear me talk, he listens with care. I love the excitement in his voice when he tells me a story and the intense gaze in his eyes afterwards when he realizes I was hanging on every word. I love him because we can sit outside on his porch, drinking wine, and listening to music without rushing to be anywhere else. I love him because we defy our own limitations using each other as motivation. I love the way he uses words to express difficult concepts and the way he opens his mind to constantly learn. He is humble, he is generous, and he is kind. I love him because he gives and doesn't expect anything in return. I love him because he takes me for who I am, whether I'm serious, sad, or silly in whichever fleeting moment. I love him because I can peer over the edge of my novel and watch him reading his at the same time. I love that he doesn't care who is watching when he kisses me, and that he holds my hand even in a culture where it's considered to be taboo. I love him because this list could go on until an entire book is full. I always thought I knew what romantic love is. I thought I wasn't fit for it. But now that I've found my other half I realized I've been waiting for him my entire life. 

Once the dog seemed more calm than when we first approached her we walked away to grab some food before getting a ride back to the tent. A few minutes later I glanced over towards the corner, and she was gone. I left with my hand in his knowing that his hand will be the last I will ever hold.

You're Talking Too Much

Do you hear that? 

Shhhhh....

Listen. 

Don't you hear it?

Come on, surely you can....

You just really have to listen....

No, not just with your ears. But with your mind, your heart, and your soul. 

Feel it with each pull of oxygen. Release it with each exhale. 

There comes a time in life where everything becomes busy work, distracting you from within. We surround ourselves with tasks, noise, and over-analytical jibber jabber in our minds in order to keep us from facing our biggest fear: ourselves. 

We measure our achievements through promotions and credit cards, big houses and fast cars. What happens when that has been taken from us? What will you do when you're forced to face yourself once and for all?

The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Of Us. 

It's time to set up a meeting with each of them one-on-one.

In this silence, you can ask your demons why they pester you the way they do. What is their history, where are their roots? What fuels the perpetuating cycle of destruction? And what can you do to help put them at ease? Love your enemy. After all, without them you couldn't possibly learn the fulfillment stemming from the acceptance of genuine forgiveness and limitless peace. Forgive the enemy within yourself once and for all.

In this silence, you can ask your angels why they never gave up on you. How did they manage to maintain a healthy balance of love and patience? You can thank them for their empathy, their tirelessness and loyalty. Love your self. After all, without you we wouldn't be able to complete this billion-pieced puzzle, revealing the purpose of our creation. 

It's time to shake the hands of each fragment of you. Welcome them with open arms and discipline yourselves to grow. Dismantle each wall you hit, brick by brick, and rebuild them behind you with a better knowledge of yourself. 

Within the comfortability of self-acceptance we can learn to love. We can learn to empathize, to forgive, to apologize, to trust. 

But the first person you have to change is you. The best thing you can do for anyone around you is understand yourself. 

So, once again....

Shhhhh...

Do you hear it?

It's the sound of you. 

Beautiful, 

imperfect, 

elligent, 

clumsy, 

miraculous, 

and messy 

You. 

So, Here I Was....And Then All of a Sudden....And Now Here's Where I'm Going...

 

One day in January I'm living in a scorching hot village teaching English to African kids with the idea in mind that I have a slow year and a half left with them, and then all of a sudden the next week I'm on a plane rushing home to Nashville, TN, to snow, a scared mom and dad, and white people everywhere. 

Huh? What the....? 

45 days, 45 days, 45 daaaaays of medical leave. Okay, okay, I can do that, I told myself. Then I can get back to Namibia and back to my job and carry on because nobody can stop me, goddamnit.

5 months later I'm still here, writing this, laughing....because life has a funny way of putting you exactly where you need to be even when you think you need to be elsewhere. 

After 45 days of doctor appointments, one-time-uh-week therapy, and sleepless nights, I was medically cleared to go back to Namibia. But the safety and security team said I couldn't go back to my village. I had a choice I could make: Pick up where I left off with my service only in the complete opposite side of the country in a town at a hostel where I would have to keep my presence on the down low....or....start my service over in a new country where I would be gauranteed a rural setting (like the one I loved), and I could keep documenting my adventures via blog posts. 

It took a week and a lot of meditating for me to decide. I went with the latter, and with that decision that meant I would have to wait in the states longer so the Peace Corps could work out the transferring process. 

Months later I was finally told I would be transferred to Tanzania in the beginning of July. I was pumped to hear the news. 

But let me talk about the past unexpected five months...

I've never had to go through anything like what I did in January before. I instinctively knew how to handle myself, but I didn't know how to deal with all my devastingly angry and painfully hurt family and friends. And that's what I was going home to. A loooot of emotion. I was worried that it would bury me alive....but I knew I had to prove to those that love me that I really was okay. 

Aside from my yoga practice, I won't lie....I spent a lot of time stuck in my video games and Netflix. But come on, I'd been living in a hut for 6 months and had a near death experience....I think I'm entitled to lock myself in my room from time to time upon returning back to the states of convenience and technology! I loved every minute of my games and movies and documentaries. I also ate the shit out of some good pizza and Mexican food. 

Those simple things slowly acclimated me back into this culture...at least enough to just live here for a few months. But I needed people. I needed to get in my car and just drive until everything slowly disappeared from my rear view mirror. 

So throughout the course of five months I went to:

1) Asheville, North Carolina- where I spent much needed time with my mom, angelic grandmother, my two uncles, and spiritually healing family friends. I hiked up a mountain and took the breath of fresh air that told me everything is okay....that it was always okay...and it will continue to be okay. 

2) Jonesboro, Arkansas- where I spent a lot of time with best friend's arms around me and tears falling down our faces. We hiked through wilderness and wrecked four-wheelers (whoops....). We took shots of vodka and whiskey to life and love. We picked up exactly where we left off.

3) Little Rock, Arkansas- where I played guitar with a friend who is my sister at heart and spent even more time with a man who helped teach me to hold hands again. We walked through the trees and talked about animals. I partied with my brother and reminded myself how we laugh just the same.

4) Port Orange, Florida- where I witnessed an aunt of mine tying the knot with her soul mate. I drank beer on the beach with Dad and reconnected with family I haven't seen since I was a young teenager. I saw that cancer doesn't break your good attitude if you don't let it, and kids grow up really quickly. 

5) Fayetteville, Arkansas- where a friend and I survived off peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a week, watched our first blood moon eclipse, and jammed out with our hippie friends in a bar in Eureka Springs. I spent two nights with my lovely married-people friends, painting, laughing our asses off to Bob's Burgers and eating the best homemade tacos. 

6) Windhoek, and Katima, Namibia- I had to hop back on a plane and here is where I spoke with the investigators and prosecuting attorney. I window gazed with my victim's advocate and talked about the animals and how my heart belongs on the African continent for now. I spent time with my closest Namibian friends and reminded them that there is no such thing as goodbye. 

7) Chattanooga, Tennessee- where the guy mentioned above in #3 and I went to the aquarium and camped out at Fall Creek Falls, and I was quickly reminded that I'm severely allergic to the southern United States. 

8) Back to Asheville,  North Carolina- on a road trip with my cousin, where we spent beautiful quality time with Oma and enjoyed a relaxing day at Peaceful Quest Retreat. That included yoga on the dock and kayaking and many conversations that I'm pretty sure normal people don't engage in. 

9) Back to Jonesboro, Arkansas- where I partied with old friends one last time. At least one last time for a while...

After those travels, I went to Wakarusa music festival in the ozarks of Arkansas. We camped out for 4 days among 10,000 other dirty hippies. We found love all over again in the music and atmosphere. It was so good for me that I needed more. Sooooo...as soon as I got home to Murfreesboro, TN, I bought my ticket to another music festival called Bonnaroo. Flew solo in a crowd of 90,000 and spent 5 nights in a tent. My neighbors were incredible people. I went to the cosmos and back with three beautiful girls and my teddy bear, Applesauce. I kicked it with a group of Jewish guys that never failed to keep a smile on my face, fell in love with a polyamorous couple, and connected with two souls in particular (Yes, Asher and Bailey, I'm referring to you guys) that I know this lifetime isn't the first time we've met. I will keep ALL of them in my heart for the rest of my days. 

Throughout the course of 5 months....I learned:

1) I never lost sight of Love. It never abandoned me. 

2) Forgiveness ultimately is the biggest release.

3) Africans that don't travel will NEVER know what amazing food we have here.

4) Americans that don't travel will NEVER truly understand and relate to the "simple life". 

5) Everything works out the way it needs to even when we can't see it in the beginning.

Now that all of you know what I've been up to....it's time to know where I'm going. July 7 is when I head out of the United States and cross the Atlantic all over again. If everything goes accordingly, and nobody tries to kill me this time, then I will be gone for 27 months. Back to teaching and the daily grind. 

But before I go. I need all of you to know something.

I could not have done this without any of you. The amount of support I received through this (even from complete strangers) has inspired me to keep following my dreams. My parents have opened their hearts and home and never gave me slack for a single thing. My closest friends helped me deal with minor PTSD symptoms as they came and went (thank god none if it lingered). I can't begin to explain how healthy this unexpected return home was for me. It has restored my faith in humanity because I know that when crisis comes, we band together, and in numbers there is power, and with power we can override evil with pure Love. 

So basically I just want to say thank you. Thank you for letting me randomly cry for no reason at all and being there just to hold me. Thank you for letting me tirelessly talk about my adventures in Namibia, the good and the bad. Thank you for your patience. But mostly, thank you for helping me adjust back to my normal self only now even stronger than before. Not every day is going to be easy, but with the support system that I have, how could I ever be alone?

See you on the flip side! Wherever and whenever that may be ;) and if there's one thing I ask of you, it's to please please please live each moment as if it were your last. You never know when your last will be.

 

"When love beckons to you, follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his opinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.

Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant; 

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of Love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise on your lips."

--Kahlil Gibran